Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Randomize
