my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
