i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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