I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
