Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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