How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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