you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize