ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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