You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
