I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
