i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
