She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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