God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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