Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
