I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
