the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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