i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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