i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
