I hate all girls vehemently.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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