at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
