I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
