I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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