I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
