make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
