I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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