I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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