when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize