I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Are we still banned from the library?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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