i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
