i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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