I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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