yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I need a beard to bite.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
