Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think your dad took our porno
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
