Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
