OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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