my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
