You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
