I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
