if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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