I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
