im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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