is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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