everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
