We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize