Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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