Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Randomize
