I'm going to rape someone's good day.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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