who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
