so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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