so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
