First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
