I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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