I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
