literally had 100 drinks last night.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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