First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
