dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
