my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
