I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize