Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
