I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
