is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
