I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
