i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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