Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize